Piece by Piece

I recently celebrated my four year anniversary in recovery. Recovery is not linear, it's a rough road and as with anything in life, some days are easier than others. Here's the thing I didn't tell you with the celebration of four years; I've been struggling.  Back in February I felt as though I was looking thinner. I remember asking Stefan if I thought I looked like I had lost weight but he didn't notice a change; in his defense he sees me all the time. I shook it off and thought maybe it was in my head. By the time April hit and I missed my period I felt sick. I was emotional and went to Stefan; he suggested I try reaching out to my dietician. I had stopped seeing her last August, because of how well I was doing, but it seemed as though his recommendation was worth pursuing. Long story short I contacted her, set up an appointment and within a few days we had our first appointment in months. Given the current pandemic, I am unable to go to her office so she coul...

This has been a difficult time for all of us and the impact of COVID-19 is having a different effect on each and everyone of us. For me, I have struggled with an increase in depression and anxiety. Like most of you I have had highs and lows and I am working to create and then maintain a sense of inner-peace.  I enjoy meditation and I believe that meditating on a near-regular basis while pregnant with Bean is the reason that not only did I have a great pregnancy but also why she will take deep breaths with me when she is having a tough time. I also believe that implementing it on a more regular basis these days and beyond will help provide me with a sense of peace. Not everything works for everyone but I highly recommend Headspace if you are interested in getting started. Right now, any health care worker and educators, I believe, are getting free membership to the app until the end of the year.  I am obviously a reader and have been reading quite a bit more these days...

I am always preaching that it's great to be vulnerable, but the thing I am about to share is terrifying. I've been thinking about it for a few days, and then this morning I was watching a TV show and their main topic for discussion was being vulnerable...so I took that as a sign. I brought this topic up in therapy on Wednesday and my therapist asked, 'Why now? why are you bringing this up today?' She didn't say it to be an asshole, I knew exactly what she meant. I responded, 'It's just been really bad lately, and I don't know how to fix it.' She then reminded me of all the bullshit that's happened the last few months... and I thought touché. In any case, I have struggled with Trichtotillomania for about 16 years. If you are not familiar with the term, Trichtotillomania is, "A disorder that involves recurrent, irresistible urges to pull out body hair." I recall my first urges when I was a Freshman/Sophomore in High Schoo...

I have referred to the 'highlight reel' before. For those of you who haven't heard this term before, it is used to refer to pictures that people post on social media; everyone shows their highlight reel, but there is always more to the story...more to their story. Stefan and I recently went on a trip to Charleston to celebrate our wedding anniversary. We had a fabulous time on the beach, eating great food and enjoying some adult beverages. It was also comforting to know that Bean was in great hands with Stefan's parents. A minor digression, anyone who has kids, I cannot stress enough the importance of getting some time away just you and your significant other. It is not only healthy for you as a couple, but it is healthy for your child(ren) as well. In any case we had a great time, I took some great pictures, but as with most pictures there is more to the story. On our second night in Charleston we went to this fabulous bar. We were having a great time...

How many of you make a New Years resolution and stick to it for a month and then quit? I am so guilty of this. Last year, I said I was going to write a book. I was super confident that I would do it, but when it got to be the summer and I hadn't touched it I realized it wasn't going to happen. While I do believe that there is a book somewhere inside of me, I also recognize that that resolution may have been a little too much for me for that stage of my life. 2019 posed to be a challenging one for me emotionally and socially. People that I am close to have struggled with their health, from chronic pain, to a recent cancer diagnosis. I have given a lot with some relationships and haven't received much in return. I know that I have probably left people feeling this way about me, and for that I am sorry. People come in and out of our lives and the ones that are meant to stay forever will. I ended the year feeling extremely empty and a little broken so for 202...

It's the day after Christmas and I am taking down our decorations.  Typically I will wait until 'Little Christmas' on January 6th, however I am so over this year I am ready to move on. I have said numerous times that it just didn't feel like the holiday season this year and now Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone and I am still feeling just as empty.  I told a friend the other day that my spirit is gone, someone stole it from me, and I let it happen. There have been a few times in my life where my kindness has been confused for flirtation.  My kindness let someone sexually harass me in the work place and not get reprimanded because the person I told was my husband, and it was five years after it happened.  I recall thinking it was my fault because maybe my dress was too short.  In the most recent of cases my kindness was taken advantage of, I was manipulated and left to question my own sense of being. I have been a strong advocate of being yourse...

This isn't your obligatory Thanksgiving post about how grateful I am for my friends and family...that should happen every day, so if you are posting strictly for the fact that it's Thanksgiving maybe you should consider being more thoughtful every day and not just for a holiday.  Sorry, I'm not sorry. I had a friend ask me the other day, 'Is Thanksgiving hard for you?'.  It took me a second to understand what she meant.  'Well yeah', I thought, holidays are hard in general because of the stigma I have put on them, but then I realized that she was asking if it was hard because of my eating disorder.  I was taken aback by her question because I do not recall anyone ever asking me before.  My response was that it used to be, but this year is different because we are straying home.  She acknowledged the difficulty that the holidays can have on someone who struggles because of all the food and all the people.   For years I felt like people were watch...