Piece by Piece

Today was a great day.  It was the first day in quite a while that I got to spend the full day with my sweet girl.  Stefan has been terribly sick the past two days, so it was a girls day today. The past few weeks I've been struggling pretty hard with my depression.  I haven't talked about it to many people because a large part of me doesn't want to burden anyone with my 'issues'...so I do what I've always done and stuff.  I told Stefan that Bean was the only reason I felt like getting up in the morning.  The reason for my depression is feeling depleted.  I've been feeling as though I'm giving and giving and not getting much in return.  While feeling this way, I go to pick up Bean from school one day only to hear that my sweet girl was crawling.  I didn't feel anything upon hearing that.  I didn't feel joy, nor did I feel sadness...I was numb.  Now I knew that I would miss the day that Bean would start crawling, or at least I was prepar...

The hottest thing the past week or so seems to be the 10 year challenge: how hard did aging hit you.  I chose not to take part in this challenge just because I simply didn't want to.  I did, however, go back and look at the picture from more than 10 years ago...one of my first ever Facebook pictures.  What did I see? A girl dressed in all pink, who looks like she was 16, smiling.  If I showed you a picture of myself today, you would see the same thing, except maybe now I could pass for 18.  Some people age gracefully, while some others don't, but what does that represent besides another comparison?  You cannot look at someone-else's picture and know what was going on in their lives at that time; how many of you smile through the pain?  I know I did.   What I chose to do instead was think about what my life has looked like the past 10 years.   In the past 10 years I have seen my worst days and my best days.  10+ years ago I was sic...

res·o·lu·tion /ˌrezəˈlo͞oSH(ə)n/ noun 1.   a firm decision to do or not to do something. "she kept her resolution not to see Anne any more" <-- Poor Anne, or maybe she deserved it. So, if you're like me, you may make a New Years resolution each year, keep it for about a month, if that, and then you are back to your old ways.  I can only speak for myself but it's so easy to fall out of a resolution if it hasn't become a habit...so how do we make it a habit?  --Get out of your comfort zone ---Opposite action ----Be disciplined  Ew...those are all pretty terrifying words and actions, but if we can do it, I think we can live happier more fulfilled lives. For me, I have been tossing around a few ideas all of which make me terribly uncomfortable, but I suppose that is what it takes sometimes.  The resolutions that I am thinking about are ones that I believe will make me happier in the coming year.  I'm afraid to share any of them o...

I sometimes feel like a broken record when I write, but there are some feelings and thoughts that are constant.  One thing I feel like I preach and try to work on is not to worry about what others think...well let me tell you, I realized today that I am not doing well in that area. Last night into day I had a truly debilitating migraine.  I was incredibly ill and I felt horrible.  Still, I made an attempt to go to work because, having been the day after a long holiday weekend, I didn't want my colleagues to think I was just extending my weekend.  I didn't think about how it was hard to even walk.  I immediately thought, I don't want them to think poorly of me...yes, I am a freak.  I ended up being at work for a grand total of 15 minutes before leaving and sleeping five hours.   I then proceeded to think about all of the times I pretend to be "cool" but I am so worried about being seen in a poor light.   Here's the truth; I worry way too much...

I said to Stefan the other day, "I need to blog, but I don't feel inspired by anything."  After saying that, I began to realize that I have only felt inspired when I am feeling down, or something sets me off...basically I feel like I am often mad, disappointed, sad etc. when I post and that's not okay.  I rethought about what is inspiring to me and why I felt so uninspired.  The truth is...I am happy.  Truly happy. I made a bold statement in therapy last week and said that I feel the best I have since leaving treatment.  I am going to be even bolder with you and say I feel the best I have since as long as I can remember.  I was meant to be a mom.  Sure, there have been times where I don't know what the heck I'm doing..but let's be honest, does anyone really know?  Giuliana is by far the best audience I have.  She laughs at nearly everything I do, she doesn't get mad when I sing (like some people...I'm looking at you Stefan), she makes me ...

It may have taken me 31 years, but I'm finally learning!  Since as far back as I can remember, I have wanted everyone to like me and I needed to be friends with everyone.  I now realize that having these so called 'friends' can be toxic and I am not about that life.   I hear a lot of folks complain about text messaging and why can't people just pick up the phone and call.  The fact of the matter is that people are extremely busy and text messaging can be easier for a busy schedule.  Think about how many people you know with full time jobs, maybe even more than one job, children, pets, hobbies, etc.  Life is busy.  I was the type of person that, up until two weeks ago, has kept EVERY text message.  I would then scroll down and say, 'Oh, I haven't spoke to _____ in a while, let's shoot them a text'.  The conversation would either go on, or I would not get a response.  The latter would gnaw at me.  I would start thinking about w...

I'm not sure how much my heart can take.  Today the morning greeted me with more sad news.  I feel so selfish crying, but I just can't help the sadness and heartbreak I am feeling for another family.  So small, so beautiful, so innocent.  Her whole life still ahead of her, then it was stolen.  Her last breath taken only a few months after her first.  It's not fair. There are tears rolling down so many cheeks.  I want to catch each drop, heal your pain, and tell you it's okay.  Another life taken, way too soon, but still so much suffering by the hearts that hold you. Hold tight to your loved ones.  Life can be taken away in an instant.  The love for you will last eternally. Rest in peace sweet girl.