Piece by Piece

Well, it's official; I'm a mom.  Giuliana Marie Bagnato, aka Bean, Giu-Giu, Potato, Bug, G, was born on May 14th.  It's hard to believe that it's been nearly three weeks since she's been born, and man what a whirlwind it has been.  I often stare at our baby girl and get teary eyed as I turn to Stefan and say, 'We made her'.  What an amazing thing conception and birth can be...I am amazed and blown away every single day.   To say that I was fully prepared for motherhood is not true by any means.  I think I could've said I was prepared, but in all honesty, nothing can really prepare you for the emotions you will feel, the ups and downs, the adjustment to a new addition to the family, and the struggle for adaptation.  After the past 16 days, I am certainly no expert, nor do I think I will be.  However, I can provide you with straight up honesty with what I have learned so far. 1.  Nobody told me prior to birth that not only would G c...

It only feels right to create a new post on my two year anniversary!  Two years ago today, I was boarding a plane to come back home after receiving 56 days of treatment for an eating disorder.  I remember feeling excited to be back home, but nervous as hell to re-acclimate back to society. My main concern and thought was, "What will people think?"....not that much has changed today, being that I am more concerned with what other people think than anything, but I'm a work in progress what can I say?  I wondered how I looked to others.  Where people thought I was.  Did anyone care?  How could I deal with conversations about diet culture?  How could I do this? Well, I can now answer those questions: How I looked? -  I looked happy; I looked like Tracy. Where was she? -   Nobody asked, they mostly expressed their happiness I as back. Did anyone care? - Yes How could I deal with conversations about diet culture?  I'm still working...

I am an emotion stuffer.  I constantly stuff my feelings about many things, and then when I am emotionally full, I will erupt and emotionally vomit all over myself....or Stefan.  I can say that, without a doubt, I have been this way for a really long time.  I don't like expressing my emotions, particularly the bad ones, and when I do, I apologize for them.  I am a really good actress; a majority of the time one would never know that I am in emotional turmoil often...I put on my happy face, stuff, and that is that.   Can you relate to this? I know many people who I have talked to when they are feeling down, frustrated or what have you.  They too apologize for crying, talking about something etc.  I can easily tell them, 'It's okay, you shouldn't apologize for your emotions...if it's how you feel, then feel it.' Why is it so much easier for us to dole out advice than to practice it. Some things that I get emotional about involve my l...

It's been a little while since I've posted.  I've had so many thoughts flooding my mind, but nothing that I couldn't start to write about without getting writers block.  I've been writing in my journal a lot to help with my anxiety and so this post is from a recent journal entry. I recently started seeing a new therapist, something I was adamant about.  I feel like I've shared my story with more than a couple, and each time I've never truly felt like I connected and found any success.  In only my first two meetings with my new therapist I feel like we will make a lot more progress than I have in the past. In my my recent session we finished up my assessment.  At the end of the assessment she asked what my goals were.  In no particular order I said: Self love, improved body image, having a healthy relationship with food, and to work on minimizing my people pleasing/caring so much what others think ( a constant source of anxiety ).  Being that we wer...

While Thanksgiving is a time when there is a lot of emphasis on being thankful and appreciating what we have in our lives, we should really do this on a daily basis.  I know that I am often guilty of comparing what I have to what others have, wishing I had x, y and z, but I really need to reflect on what I have in my life. In my mind I was never pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, a good enough employee, and simply, I was not enough...period.  This mindset led me down a path of self destruction that could have for sure killed me had I not sat back and smelled the roses.  As I enter a new phase of my life, my pregnancy, I have had a poor mindset...one that I feel ashamed to share.  I find myself comparing my pregnant body to others that are/have been pregnant.  I am not doing a good enough job.  I am doing everything wrong.  I look like I am 9 months pregnant...blah blah blah.  In all reality, I need to shut the voice up in my head f...

Since leaving treatment, I have kept in touch with nearly everyone I was in treatment with.  We have maintained contact here and there, one way in particular has been through our Facebook group.  A recent question that was posed was asking if there was any time that we missed being in recovery. One response was a quote from a girl on tumblr who wrote such a beautiful post...one that I could not write with such eloquence and beauty, but one that I found inspiration and thus the reason for this post. So my answer to the question is as gray as can be. Yes and No. I've written the first 10 things that came into my mind: Things that I miss: 1.  No responsibility besides yourself 2.  Equine therapy 3.  Feeling no judgment 4.  Support 5.  The relationships I formed 6.  Terrible table games to make getting through a meal 'easier' 7.  Being vulnerable in therapy sessions, and being okay with that 8.  No cell phone (believe it or no...

My mind is racing.  I feel as though I need to write something truly meaningful and poetic. I don't think I can.  I am hurting. I am questioning.  I just need to be real. Hurting... My heart is breaking broken for all of the hate that still exists in the world.  So much hate and disagreement all over the world, and within ourselves.  I have, multiple times, said, 'I hate myself.' Saying that had no meaning to me.  I was numb, and full of disgust with myself I could easily say that and suffer no repercussions.  I hear others say, 'I hate ________' (Insert anything that is fitting) and my heart hurts.  How can you hate someone for things that are surface level.  Then again, how could I have hated myself for not being the weight I wanted when that is something that doesn't really matter. Does so much hate exist in the world, because we don't know how to truly love?  Does love start with the self?  For me I have always loved. ...