Piece by Piece

So many ideas are running around and I cannot nail one down...so here is a list of things (in no particular order) that I am thinking. 1.  We live in a society that teaches us to suppress our emotions.  When people decide to break the mold and express themselves, they are greeted with discomfort and a change of subject.  Don't stress this.  Express yourself.  I'm all for any awkward interaction.   2.  We need to be selfish in this life.  At the end of the day, we have ourselves.  Sure, we are surrounded by people that love and care about us, but you are your number one.  Do something for yourself everyday.  Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and give yourself grace.  3.  Fueling your body, fuels ambition.  When I am deep in my eating disorder, my main goal in life is to get through the day. I put all of my focus on restricting or purging.  When I am successful at one or both I feel accomplished...

Size doesn't matter...you CAN have an eating disorder without looking sick. This post is for all of the other girls and guys you are in recovery from an eating disorder, who are in need of gaining weight.  This post is for all of the friends and family in our lives who are interested in better understanding what this is like.   WARNING (this may be too much information a.k.a. TMI):  For a girl with an eating disorder you stop having your monthly friend.  Your hormones are all out of whack and when you are not at a healthy weight, you will not menstruate.  As a person with an eating disorder, male or female, you may suffer from issues with bowel movements, memory, fatigue...etc. When I entered treatment I was terrified.  I knew I needed to get better, but I didn't necessarily want to.  Being required to follow a meal plan that involved 3 meals and 3 snacks seemed absolutely absurd.  If you didn't eat 100% of all of these things, you were offe...

Well, it's been a year ago exactly that I came home from treatment.  I spent 57 days isolated from most of the world to focus on treatment, primarily for an eating disorder.  Being that it has been a year, I wanted to write something, anything, to commemorate my time in treatment and my recovery process thereafter.  I feel like I have so many thoughts and feelings right now that this may not make any sense, but I do hope you feel enlightened to read it. My stay in treatment felt like forever, and yet, there are many days I miss it.  I've never in my life been surrounded by people feeling the same feelings, having the same thoughts, and hoping to overcome all at the same time.  I've never had so much time to reflect on my past, what got me to the point of needing treatment, and figuring out who I am and who I want to be.  It is hard in everyday life to find moments of solitude to appreciate yourself, and really nourish yourself.  It's incredibly impor...

I find that we all put so much pressure on ourselves.  Pressure in so many facets; to be the best employee, parent, student, have the most likes, be the best dressed, have the best hair, be the toughest man, the most ladylike woman, the strong one, the pretty one, or just needing to be noticed.  We often feel the pressure to be perfect.   Society has ingrained such high expectations of us as humans, and if we fall short of these expectations, are we failures?  If I don't fit the mold of what makes a 'woman' or a 'man', am I any less of a man/woman?  If I make a mistake on the job, does that make me incompetent?  If I have a stain on a shirt, am I a slob?  If I eat that doughnut, is it going right to my hips?  If I speak up, and I'm a woman, am I bitch? It pains me when I see a world surrounded by unrealistic expectations of a 'good body', fabricated or exaggerated stories to make us feel worthless,  What if we all just were ourse...

I am truly grateful for a special someone who inspired me to write this post.  After discovering my recent struggles, she encouraged me to use my outlet of writing to express myself. She also inspired the title of this post.  Thanks friend...you know who you are <3 I've been avoiding writing this post because it is going to be filled with a lot of negativity... but it is also true that life is difficult and it's not always rainbows and butterflies. So here we go.. Control.  It's something that I'm slowly learning to let go of, but there is still a large part of me that wants control.  When I don't have control of things around me, I begin to control what I can. In my case, my eating disorder and my trichtotillomania. TIME OUT (Zach Morris anyone?):  For those of you who do not know what 'trich' is...here is a brief understanding: Trichtotillomania is the urge to pull ones' hair out. TIME IN:  So, the past month I have been resorting to using...

I've always heard the saying, 'Distance makes the heart grow fonder,' and I never truly appreciated it as much as I do now.  Stefan and I had a 'long-distance' relationship for about 5 years.  We were lucky enough to be only about 3 1/2 hours away from each other.  In all reality, we could have seen each other as often as our schedules would allow...and Stefan did just that.  Despite our opportunities to see one another, I cried like a baby every time we had to say goodbye.  I hated it.  Stefan would always be so optimistic saying that the time we spent apart would make the time together so much better.  I hated that too.  I would continue to cry and blow him off.  Ugh, what did he know? Well, as a grown adult (although, sometimes I don't act like one) I realize he knew a lot more than I thought. We get to see each other every day, something that I take for granted.  We have fallen into a routine ... we work, we come home, talk ...

Hi, my name is People Pleaser....it's nice to meet you. Anyone else out there a people pleaser?  Come on, I know I'm not the only one.  You're either reading this because you are a people pleaser, or reading it to appease me...like I said you're a people pleaser ;) When I first started my journey in recovery I had a lot of time to spend with me, myself and I. In the past, this was something that even the thought of repulsed me.  Sure, I enjoyed having alone time to read, nap, clean or relax, but I never spent time with myself.  This may sound weird, but have you ever really spent time getting to know yourself?  I am not referring to being alone with your thoughts that feed daily anxiety.  I mean truly acquaint yourself to...well...yourself.  Getting to know your likes and dislikes, feelings about certain 'taboo' topics, etc.  By getting reacquainted with Tracy, I spent less time worrying about pleasing others...I really wanted to remain true t...