Piece by Piece

I am truly grateful for a special someone who inspired me to write this post.  After discovering my recent struggles, she encouraged me to use my outlet of writing to express myself. She also inspired the title of this post.  Thanks friend...you know who you are <3 I've been avoiding writing this post because it is going to be filled with a lot of negativity... but it is also true that life is difficult and it's not always rainbows and butterflies. So here we go.. Control.  It's something that I'm slowly learning to let go of, but there is still a large part of me that wants control.  When I don't have control of things around me, I begin to control what I can. In my case, my eating disorder and my trichtotillomania. TIME OUT (Zach Morris anyone?):  For those of you who do not know what 'trich' is...here is a brief understanding: Trichtotillomania is the urge to pull ones' hair out. TIME IN:  So, the past month I have been resorting to using...

I've always heard the saying, 'Distance makes the heart grow fonder,' and I never truly appreciated it as much as I do now.  Stefan and I had a 'long-distance' relationship for about 5 years.  We were lucky enough to be only about 3 1/2 hours away from each other.  In all reality, we could have seen each other as often as our schedules would allow...and Stefan did just that.  Despite our opportunities to see one another, I cried like a baby every time we had to say goodbye.  I hated it.  Stefan would always be so optimistic saying that the time we spent apart would make the time together so much better.  I hated that too.  I would continue to cry and blow him off.  Ugh, what did he know? Well, as a grown adult (although, sometimes I don't act like one) I realize he knew a lot more than I thought. We get to see each other every day, something that I take for granted.  We have fallen into a routine ... we work, we come home, talk ...

Hi, my name is People Pleaser....it's nice to meet you. Anyone else out there a people pleaser?  Come on, I know I'm not the only one.  You're either reading this because you are a people pleaser, or reading it to appease me...like I said you're a people pleaser ;) When I first started my journey in recovery I had a lot of time to spend with me, myself and I. In the past, this was something that even the thought of repulsed me.  Sure, I enjoyed having alone time to read, nap, clean or relax, but I never spent time with myself.  This may sound weird, but have you ever really spent time getting to know yourself?  I am not referring to being alone with your thoughts that feed daily anxiety.  I mean truly acquaint yourself to...well...yourself.  Getting to know your likes and dislikes, feelings about certain 'taboo' topics, etc.  By getting reacquainted with Tracy, I spent less time worrying about pleasing others...I really wanted to remain true t...

The other night I was organizing some photos and I came across a number of photos from when I was a little girl. As I saw these pictures I remembered a chapter that I read in Jenni Schaefer's book, Life without Ed.  The chapter gives an exercise for the reader to try when they are struggling with their eating disorder.  The exercise tells the reader to find a picture of their self when they were little.  After locating a picture, tape it to a mirror that you use often.  Once it is up, she challenges you to try and say the things you say to your present self on a daily basis...more or less it is impossible to do.  I could never look at 'baby Tracy' and call her fat, ugly, stupid etc.  After remembering this exercise, tears filled my eyes and I was inspired.  I do not think I decided to do this photo organization by chance, I think I needed to remember this. This exercise is something that really resonates with me and I think anyone could benefit fr...

My heart  mind is full There are tons of things I think about on a daily basis.  Some of these thoughts come to me right as I lay my head down at night. These thoughts keep me awake for much of the night. Many thoughts are irrational and out of my control in that moment. Thoughts include, but are not limited to, what will I wear tomorrow?, I have to go to the store., Did I mail the rent?, Is the garage shut?, Why can't I sleep?, etc. Not only am I haunted by thoughts at night that nearly drive me to insomnia, but I have a bunch that haunt my every waking moment.    Thoughts that pull me out of a conversation.       Thoughts that make my body look present, but my mind is             a million miles away.          Thoughts that I don't know will ever go away. Here are a select few: - I'm sick of following a meal plan. - Will I ever be able to eat like 'normal' people? - When will I be ok...

Well....2016 is almost over and all I have to say is, 'Good Riddance!'  I think most everyone will agree that we are happy to see 2016 go.  For some reason this past year has been a terrible one for many people.  Social media has erupted with meme's, gifs and videos all declaring that 2016, for lack of better words, sucked. With the conclusion of the year approaching, I like to take some time to reflect on the past year, and as I do so I realize that while it has not been the easiest year personally, I can honestly say that I have learned a lot. We truly never know what someone else is going through:   Often times we walk around with a smile on our face, when inwardly we are feeling low.  This happy exterior is often a shield to protect ourselves from being vulnerable to our emotions and to others.  I think that we as human beings are more alike that we are different.  We all have our 'stuff' to deal with in life; no one is excluded from the...

I wish I could explain the feeling I get when it happens.  I wish I could describe the exact moment it happens and what goes through my head.  Below is my best attempt. There are times, especially around the holidays, when we are presented with lots of parties, and lots of food and festivities.  For someone with an eating disorder it's extremely difficult to be in the same room at these events.  Last year I did my best to avoid them all together.  I was too busy to attend the party, or if I felt as though I had no choice in the matter, I would pull apart my food to make it appeared as though I had eaten.  This year, I stayed in the room.  The first party of the season.  I stayed, I grew anxious, I picked, not ate, I left, I cried.  I cried because I felt like a failure.  I cried because I let Ed win.  He got in my head and caused me to restrict.   For some reason I have not been able to find a happy medium at parties, ...