Piece by Piece

There you were just sitting there.  Staring at me.  Calling my name, enticing me.  'Shut up, I can't', I say.   But you were insistent, 'It'll be fine.  You will go to the gym and you'll feel better about it.'   'No, I can't. I want to, but I'm scared, and going to the gym will not help.  Trust me I WANT to, but he won't let me.' What you just read is a conversation that I have in my head.  I used to have this conversation hourly, then daily, but now it's only every so often.  And the subject of the conversation does vary, today it was with a cookie.  A glorious sugar cookie with frosting and sprinkles was my enemy today.  I hated every second.  All I wanted was to eat that freaking cookie, and I didn't...why? because my eating disorder was shouting loud today telling me I couldn't, and I obeyed.   What's the worse that would have happened?  I would have felt guilty for a while, but I would have enjoyed every...

I've been struggling a lot lately. I've been going in a downward spiral for a few weeks, and have definitely recognized a difference in my body and mindset.  I've taken one 'bad' thing and turned everything into one big bowl of negativity.  Being aware of my transgressions in my recovery I was eager to get to my therapy session.  It's so much easier venting and talking openly with an unbiased 3rd party.  It's a judgement free environment in which I can spill my guts and receive some awesome advice...I love my LCSW.  I always leave each session feeling great about life, feeling inner strength and feel ready to take on the world.   I was very emotional and my session yesterday because I haven't been expressing my struggles or stress with anyone, that it all exploded.  [Note to self, don't bottle up, open up] I often speak poorly of myself.  I find everything wrong with me, never feel like I am good enough, never believe I deserve anything good,...

I recently read, Rising Strong: The Reckoning, the Rumble, the Revolution  by Brene` Brown, and it's a book I highly recommend.  Brown touches on the idea of being vulnerable, as she has in her previous work Daring Greatly , but in Rising Strong  she shows us the steps to take in order to acknowledge our struggles/disappointments, and how to rise up from them.  Often times we have a difficult time acknowledging our shortcomings, and I am guilty, as I know many others to be, of not admitting when we are wrong.  Brown's research discussed in the book provide the reader with three steps, the reckoning, rumble and revolution.  I will not give a full book review and synopsis here, but rather discuss one quote from the book and how it relates to myself, and I hope you as well. "We don't have to do it all of it alone.  We were never meant to." In sum, we should ask for help from others when we need it.  Growing up, I remember being told by my family ...

My heart began to race as my mind was flooding with images of the past.  There I was, another sleepless night, wide awake, reflecting on some memories.  The setting this time was the apartment we lived in our senior year of college.  I thought, that was eight years ago...where did the time go.  At that moment, my anxiety began to surface.  This particular memory led me to think about how quickly time goes by and about how precious our time here on earth is.  We truly do not know when our life is going to end.  We do not know where we will end up, we just walk out on faith and hope for the best.  I also developed feelings of guilt; I've made such great memories over the course of my life, and for 1/3 of my life I let my negative feelings dictate my time here. I've been surrounded by tragedy in the last few months, both personally, affecting people I love and mentally, by the media.  There are so many horrible things that are occurring in t...

I feel as though I have been strong for so long.  I feel as though I've made huge progress in my recovery so far.  I feel as though I am falling down. Something I've always done is put on a smile and portrayed a happy carefree woman.  The truth is for much of my life that was a mask to hide what was really going on, the anxiety, the depression, the feelings of not being good enough, the eating disorder.  Only until the past few months I've taken off that mask and have been true to who I am as a person, not fearing what others will think of me and living as openly and honestly as I can.   I've been so strong, it was only a matter of time before I would start to fall. Yesterday I began to fall.  I restricted.  I called myself a loser.  I completely broke down on the couch. I had a 'why me, why us?' moment.  That feeling carried on into today.  I feel sad and broken.  I'm a walking zombie.  As I write this I realize I have t...

A wise man once said, 'I am what I am, and that's all that I am'.  Yes, by wise man I mean a fictional character who dined on spinach while chewing on a pipe.  Maybe not the most authoritative visionary, but that quote is simple and filled with insight. I have mentioned in my previous posts that being in recovery I have begun to peel some of my layers back and am getting to know myself more and more each day.  Although, I am starting to know myself, I have been surrounded by friends and loved ones that have known who I am for a long while.  I especially want to focus on my friends...let's be honest here, more often than not our family will be there for us because we are just that, family.  Friends, however, can leave if they choose to. I have been extremely blessed to have a lot of friends in my life with whom I know I can confide in anywhere, anytime, any place.  The group of people that I call friends aren't my friends because of anything artificial, ...

While I was in treatment I started making an altered book.  I didn't know what it was until going to treatment, so I will explain it here.  To create an altered book you take a book already in existence and you 'alter' it's form.  You can use magazine clippings, actual photos, and create your own artwork on the pages etc. You are doing what the name suggests, and altering the book from it's original form to a different form and adding your own unique meaning to it as well.   I know...before you go on, you may be thinking, 'What kind of librarian would do such a horrid thing to a book?!'...my answer...ONE BAD ASS LIBRARIAN! Two of the pages in my book I used to create a poem using the method referred to as blackout poetry. To create a blackout poem you find words on the page(s) you are using that have significance to you, or that inspire you....you then take a sharpie marker and blackout the other words on the page so you are left with only those that are...