Piece by Piece

As you, the reader, already know, I have struggled with an eating disorder for over a decade.  It is only now, as I am strong in my recovery, that I recognize the impact that a mental illness and/or addiction can have on your family and friends.  It is only now that I see others struggle, I feel the pain, and anger I may have caused many of you...and for that here is this apology. Please note that over the past 12 years I have made plenty of memories and moments of clarity.  The following apologies are for when I was at my sickest.  I am not my eating disorder; these behaviors were not me. Dear family and friends, I'm sorry that I was not fully present in moments of great joy and sadness.   I'm sorry that while you were making memories, I was so sick I knew I wouldn't remember. I'm sorry I drove when I didn't eat. For blacking out on the drive, and being grateful I made it home alive. I'm sorry if I was selfish. I'm sorry I manipulated you int...

Our words matter.  What we say to others has an impact; what we say to ourselves has an even bigger impact.  I have found that in my life I am always eager to make sure I am making everybody else happy.  I find myself worried most nights about interactions that I had throughout the day, ‘Did they take what I said the wrong way?’, ‘Why didn’t ___ say hi to me?’ etc.  I know many friends and acquaintances who have expressed the same anxieties. No doubt we need to be kind to others , but we cannot neglect ourselves along the way. The things that we tell ourselves on a daily basis are so important.  I’ve always heard about the power of words but I don’t think I ever truly believed the impact until recently. Before giving birth to Giuliana, I would say everyday how healthy she was and would continue to be, I would also say how a position at a library closer to home would open up and I would get it. All of these things came to be true. Would these things have ...

At a recent meeting for work we watched a TedTalk called, The Lollipop Moment.  I've been under a rock, and have never actually seen a TedTalk prior to this one, but I was grateful that this was my first.  The speaker, Drew Dudley, began the talk by asking how many people in the audience were comfortable calling themselves a leader?  Very few hands went up...and in my head I was trying to rack my brain for moments that I would say I was a leader.  I thought of a few instances from my youth, from previous jobs and my current career...but the keyword there is few.  I, as we all are, am my own worst critic and I often doubt myself and my strengths.  If I could consider a time I felt like I was a leader, I immediately start talking myself out of it, and how it wasn't really true leadership.   Well, Drew shared his story and truly redefined what being a leader is.  In his story he recalled of the time a girl came up to him, years after their enc...

I was inspired today by a close friend of mine.  It was something she posted on Instagram, a quote, a game-changer.  The quote said, "...the question isn't so much, 'Are you parenting the right way?' as it is 'Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?'"  The only comment I could make was, "Wow".  I haven't read something that deep and true in a long time.  Being a new mom ,it really struck a cord with me. Prior to being a parent, I felt like it was easy to say, "If I was a mom I'd do [insert something parent related here]" or "I'm not going to let my child do XY&Z"...and then you become a parent and everything you thought you had figured out is out the window.  Parenting is easily the hardest and most gratifying thing I have ever done.  I have done hard things before and I have felt rewarded in life, but never at the same time...until now.  Before you roll your eyes, I understand that I h...

    The first thing we ever know in this world is love.  We are taken care of from the moment we are born, and greeted with cuddles, kisses and hugs from so many people, the love is endless.  When is it that we become corrupted by the outside world and learn how much greed and dislike there is...where does all of the love go?  I refuse to get political, but it breaks my heart that many people view others by titles: democrats, republicans, gay, straight, etc.  Why does it matter?  We are all human beings who want to see the world grow and prosper and live life to the fullest...I've never seen so much hate and I worry about the future for my daughter. Dearest Giuliana, Be YOU-tiful Everyday I tell you, 'You are smart, you are strong and you are beautiful.  Do not ever let anyone convince you otherwise.'  I sit with you each day and talk about our daily plans, latest news, or just life.  Now that you can intentionally smile...

I remember upon leaving treatment I felt liberated.  When you are focusing on yourself, and only yourself for, in my case for 57 days, you are bound to discover/rediscover things about yourself.  I had never been so sure of myself than I did once I got back home from Arizona.  Somewhere along the way I lost sight of who I was, and with that, whatever confidence I had, had dwindled down to nothing.   At my most recent therapy session there was a brief discussion about being confident and how we are drawn to people who are confident (as long as they aren't cocky).  Since that appointment, I have tried to walk a little taller and find something each day that I like about myself.   Now, I have certainly had days where I simply was too preoccupied to do such tasks...aka I'm making excuses.  I certainly have had 1 spare minute of the day to think about something I like about myself, I just merely didn't do it.  Despite not bei...

When I was pregnant, I surprisingly had no trouble eating and gaining weight.  It wasn't about me, I was nurturing our baby.  I needed to be healthy in order to take care of her.  Now that I am no longer pregnant, I still need to be healthy to care of G...so why is it so much harder? I've worked so hard the past few years to battle my eating disorder.  I think that because I am no longer in a residential treatment facility, many people think I am magically cured.  This is not the case.  I am still in treatment and see a professional team on a weekly basis to work towards maintaining my recovery.  I too, for a brief moment, felt as though I was 'cured'.  I could do this thing, I am stronger and better than my eating disorder.  Well, I have been reminded that my recovery is a daily struggle.  Everybody has their struggles in life, and for all of us our struggles are daily.   At my first appointment with my dietitian since giv...