Piece by Piece

Since leaving treatment, I have kept in touch with nearly everyone I was in treatment with.  We have maintained contact here and there, one way in particular has been through our Facebook group.  A recent question that was posed was asking if there was any time that we missed being in recovery. One response was a quote from a girl on tumblr who wrote such a beautiful post...one that I could not write with such eloquence and beauty, but one that I found inspiration and thus the reason for this post. So my answer to the question is as gray as can be. Yes and No. I've written the first 10 things that came into my mind: Things that I miss: 1.  No responsibility besides yourself 2.  Equine therapy 3.  Feeling no judgment 4.  Support 5.  The relationships I formed 6.  Terrible table games to make getting through a meal 'easier' 7.  Being vulnerable in therapy sessions, and being okay with that 8.  No cell phone (believe it or no...

My mind is racing.  I feel as though I need to write something truly meaningful and poetic. I don't think I can.  I am hurting. I am questioning.  I just need to be real. Hurting... My heart is breaking broken for all of the hate that still exists in the world.  So much hate and disagreement all over the world, and within ourselves.  I have, multiple times, said, 'I hate myself.' Saying that had no meaning to me.  I was numb, and full of disgust with myself I could easily say that and suffer no repercussions.  I hear others say, 'I hate ________' (Insert anything that is fitting) and my heart hurts.  How can you hate someone for things that are surface level.  Then again, how could I have hated myself for not being the weight I wanted when that is something that doesn't really matter. Does so much hate exist in the world, because we don't know how to truly love?  Does love start with the self?  For me I have always loved. ...

This post may be a little too much information (TMI) for some of you, so if you feel unnerved by this disclaimer please feel free to stop reading when you arrive at the *WARNING* As a person that has struggled with an eating disorder for over 10 years now, I’ve struggled with having a body that functions as it should.  The effects of an eating disorder can be seen on the outside, but the interior effects are also present, and extremely hazardous to the person whom is struggling.  These are things that the outside world cannot see. Memory loss, trouble with bowel movements, trouble sleeping, feelings of fatigue, brittle nails, hair loss, etc.  One thing that is specific to a woman is the loss of menstruation. *WARNING:  THIS IS WHERE THE TMI COMES INTO PLAY* I remember when I got my first visit from my monthly friend. It wasn’t a moment of happiness, it was like, ‘Well, crap.  I guess I’m a woman.’  Since that first time, I never really had a c...

I recently watched the Netflix documentary, Embrace, and feel so inspired.  If you have never heard of the film, I will give you a brief synopsis.  Five years ago, Taryn Brumfitt, hit the social media network hard with a before and after body post.  It was not a typical before and after we are used to seeing on social media.  Taryn posted a before photo of her body building body, side by side to her post children body, sharing a message of loving and embracing your body. The documentary follows Taryn as she travels to talk to women of all different shapes, sizes, ethnicity and ages to discuss body image.  The end message, embrace your body as it is. https://media4.s-nbcnews.com/j/newscms/2015_19/526481/taryn-brumfitt-image_05c57715545da1ac93abb959899947bb.today-inline-large.jpg In my 30 years of living I've spent less than 1/3 even liking my body.  In fact I've spent most of it being so consumed with how to obtain the perfect body, I wasn't real...

So many ideas are running around and I cannot nail one down...so here is a list of things (in no particular order) that I am thinking. 1.  We live in a society that teaches us to suppress our emotions.  When people decide to break the mold and express themselves, they are greeted with discomfort and a change of subject.  Don't stress this.  Express yourself.  I'm all for any awkward interaction.   2.  We need to be selfish in this life.  At the end of the day, we have ourselves.  Sure, we are surrounded by people that love and care about us, but you are your number one.  Do something for yourself everyday.  Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and give yourself grace.  3.  Fueling your body, fuels ambition.  When I am deep in my eating disorder, my main goal in life is to get through the day. I put all of my focus on restricting or purging.  When I am successful at one or both I feel accomplished...

Size doesn't matter...you CAN have an eating disorder without looking sick. This post is for all of the other girls and guys you are in recovery from an eating disorder, who are in need of gaining weight.  This post is for all of the friends and family in our lives who are interested in better understanding what this is like.   WARNING (this may be too much information a.k.a. TMI):  For a girl with an eating disorder you stop having your monthly friend.  Your hormones are all out of whack and when you are not at a healthy weight, you will not menstruate.  As a person with an eating disorder, male or female, you may suffer from issues with bowel movements, memory, fatigue...etc. When I entered treatment I was terrified.  I knew I needed to get better, but I didn't necessarily want to.  Being required to follow a meal plan that involved 3 meals and 3 snacks seemed absolutely absurd.  If you didn't eat 100% of all of these things, you were offe...

Well, it's been a year ago exactly that I came home from treatment.  I spent 57 days isolated from most of the world to focus on treatment, primarily for an eating disorder.  Being that it has been a year, I wanted to write something, anything, to commemorate my time in treatment and my recovery process thereafter.  I feel like I have so many thoughts and feelings right now that this may not make any sense, but I do hope you feel enlightened to read it. My stay in treatment felt like forever, and yet, there are many days I miss it.  I've never in my life been surrounded by people feeling the same feelings, having the same thoughts, and hoping to overcome all at the same time.  I've never had so much time to reflect on my past, what got me to the point of needing treatment, and figuring out who I am and who I want to be.  It is hard in everyday life to find moments of solitude to appreciate yourself, and really nourish yourself.  It's incredibly impor...