Piece by Piece

I've been lying to you all, and to myself.  A part of me hopes that when I write a blog post about being strong, not worrying about what the scale says, and how great I feel dancing or running that maybe I will believe I am overcoming.  I am not as strong as I make it seem.  Again, I find myself wearing a mask, a comforting tool I've used for at least 10 years now.  A mask that hides who I really am and what I really feel. I've worn this mask for so long I've don't know how to take it off...scratch that, I know how to take it off, I am just scared of what others will see....what I will see.  I have lost my identity and now I am feeling just as lost as ever. I've found myself restricting.  I've found myself hugging the toilet bowl after meals.  I've found myself sleeping too much, and enjoying life too little.  I've once again found myself feeling alone, scared and hopeless. I hope that one day soon I will open my eyes again and get a glimpse o...

Cellulite is something that I have always had.  I even had it when I was at my lowest weight in my adult years.  I know plenty of people that also have cellulite, even the thinnest people.  I feel that the media associates cellulite as being a 'fat person' thing as well as a negative.  Due to this portrayal that society publicizes it leaves many women feeling insecure about said cellulite. These insecurities can lead women to use creams or receive treatment to minimize the appearance of cellulite.  I have been extremely insecure about my cellulite and I have had conversations with others that also find themselves insecure about their cellulite.  I understand how the appearance can appear 'unattractive', however, most women have cellulite, so why not celebrate cellulite?! Recently, Ashley Graham, 'curvy ' model, was attacked for a picture of her with her 'cellulite city'. Confident and beautiful Graham responded to these trolls with, 'Someone once to...

Hate is a strong word, and I don't like using it because of the power it has.  So in this post, I am going to share with you some of my least favorite things. Scales.  These 'instruments for weighing' have only caused stress to those who dislike the digital number that appears once they step on it.  Society and the media have put so much emphasis on how low our weight should be, by glamorizing rail thin models, actresses etc.  Those that are genetically predisposed to an eating disorder can easily fall victim to a number.  I know that I have...and even when I was at my lowest weight in my eating disorder it still was not low enough.  To what extent are we willing to go to meet our 'goals'.  Once we hit that 'goal', do we only set a new goal to achieve.  Risks include screwing up our metabolism, lowering our heart rate, feeling weak, feeling empty, and sometimes even death.  Even those of us who are not genetically predisposed can find that ...

A few weeks ago a friend of mine invited me to join her and a bunch of our friends to go and do zumba.  I had done zumba a few times before and remembered getting frustrated with it, but I figured why not?  So every Monday and a few other days during the week I am enjoying doing zumba both with friends and with strangers.  While I am not the best dancer in the world, I am having the time of my life each week!  I find my body feeling a healthy exhaustion, and smiling the whole time!  I have not only been having a good time and have noticed my body getting stronger...I think I'm even getting a booty! In addition to getting my dance on I went to the gym for the first time in months.  I was a little scared going in to the gym.  I know that I have gained weight and I was scared to see some of the people that I haven't seen since being home from treatment.  I got over that quickly when I was able to run the most that I have in a long time, and I felt ...

Why today sucked: I felt fat.   I felt ugly. I tried on shorts that used to be big and I could barely button them. I had to stick to my meal plan despite not feeling hungry I went shopping and was forced to buy a size that seemed absurd. My rabbit continues to ruin our furniture. Our cats can't get along. Why today was great: I made people laugh. I relaxed on the couch....and was surrounded by our 3 fur babies. I rode my bike. I went for a walk. I was able to afford to buy new clothes for my changing body. Our neighbor gave us vegetables from the garden. I got to see my family via Facetime. My husband told me I was beautiful. We ate dinner together. The Cavs won game 7. --That's just the short list-- When today started, I was upset because of clothes not fitting.  It's so easy to take one thing and turn it into, my life sucks, this is the worst day ever, woe is me.  It's hard to look at the good things that happen on a daily basis...but when you ...

I have struggled a lot this past week and today is the first day that I am feel really great!  Whenever I am struggling with body image I try to focus on not what my body looks like, but what it does for me. This sounds great coming out of a therapists mouth, however, it is much harder to do when all you want to do is change everything about your body.   I have had an eyeopening experience recently in which I am truly grateful for my body.  I remember when I would workout in the past it took everything that I had to get through a workout.  I would try to hit x amount of calories burned, or a certain distance, all while hoping that I wouldn't pass out. Today as I was running I was grateful for how I felt after.  Sure, I was sweaty and tired, but it was a different kind of tired.  Not a I need to lay down before I pass out from not enough food in my system, but a healthy fatigue in which I am exhausted but am grateful to be.   I cannot guarantee that...

So yesterday was already a hard day and then I found the sweetest, yet most ignorant person since I've been home.   It is extremely beneficial to someone in recovery to have a number of people to act as a support team.  I have a number of my friends from treatment and at home to support me, but I was also hoping to find an Eating Disorders Anonymous group.  Unfortunately we do not have any in the area so instead it was recommended to try Over eaters Anonymous (OA), a program that welcomes people with a number of different eating disorders.   I got to the location of the OA meeting, but needed help finding the room.  I found a sweet woman to ask... Me:  Do you know where room 126 is?  There is a meeting in it and I'm not familiar with the building. Woman:  Well, what is the meeting you are looking for? Me: Over eaters Anonymous. Woman: (looks me up and down) Yeah, cause you need that meeting.  They can teach you how to eat. (laughs...