Piece by Piece

Life is a wild ride. Like a roller coaster, life is thrilling, terrifying; it can feel like you'll never get to the good part. You scream, laugh, possibly cry, you may shit your pants, and then it's over. I have too often gotten caught up in the comparison game, the what if's, the should haves, etc. I have been hard on myself, so hard that there were times I thought I couldn't go any further, and I just wanted to get off of the line. It's rare that I sit back, on a regular basis, and reflect on all of the good things that I have, who I have become, and where I can go. Today, as I was scrolling through pictures to try and find one in particular, I came across three pictures I took of my scalp last summer. Just as a little refresher, after feeling so disgusted and fed up with myself and my trichtotillomania, I decided to buzz cut all my hair off. In that moment I felt like I had no other choice but to start with a nearly blank canvas.  There have been many days since

Six years ago I was on a plane to a little place called Wickenburg, AZ. I had no idea what to expect when I arrived, nor did I realize how lost I had become. Lost, not in a directional way, but lost in a 'who am I/what am I doing here?' kind of way. Even when I arrived, thousands of miles away from Stefan, I didn't really feel anything besides a splitting headache. Naturally, I hadn't eaten most of the day, hence the terrible headache...but they would 'fix' that, wouldn't they? I remember having my belongings searched; no earrings allowed, no floss, no razor, no shirts with logos, no shampoo/conditioner if it contained alcohol. Well shit, this is the real deal. I went downstairs to get some vitals and testing done, and that's when I discovered that the results of my EKG weren't great...I was really doing damage to my body that could ultimately have killed me. While I knew what I was doing, I never believed I would die.  There were so many other peopl

It's been quite a while since I have written anything and I can tell, being that my emotions have been all over the place. So much has happened in the past few months, I don't even know where to begin, so this may be a little scattered....bear with me and get out your violins 😑. My coworker and friend passed away just over a month ago, but was in ICU for about a month until she passed away. I visited her most everyday and watched her improve, only to decline again. Moments shared with her were heartbreaking and we never got answers as to what actually happened. Did me making a call cause all of this? Would it have been better if I didn't interfere? Why am I always trying to be a hero? Having been there from the beginning of the end, I felt a lot of pain when myself, along with other colleagues, were jerked around by those making the arrangements for her celebration of life. Only to arrive the night of, what I thought was a half hour early, to walk into the memorial having

Yesterday was the first time in years I got my hair done by a professional. For many years I cut my own hair because I had a lot of shame about the bald patches I had on my scalp. These bald spots were/are from pulling my hair, a body-focused repetitive behavior called trichotillomania, so I simply avoided salons. As most of you know from my previous post, I buzzed off my hair back in July because I was struggling so bad with my hair pulling that I have since then worn a wig. I had met with a stylist in August who basically made me feel like I was wasting his time and felt as though he was disgusted by me and my hair. I had a bad feeling about the interaction and was able to find someone else who was willing to work with me. The appointment was booked and man, was I excited (and terrified). Prior to my appointment I had terrible anxiety because I felt like my 'wish' hairstyle wouldn't be able to be done. The time slowly ticked by yesterday until it was time...moment of trut

I recently cut and colored my hair. I was hopeful that this would help me with my hair pulling...I was wrong. Last night, I was so fed up with trying to cover my bald spots and dissociating from my body while doing so that I decided to buzz cut my head. Yes, you read that correctly.  I first took chunks of hair and cut them, and then used Stefan's buzz cutter to do the rest. My hope is that having no hair to pull will help me with my pulling; a combination of that and wearing my Keen bracelet should hopefully do the trich ;) As you may know I have struggled with Trichotillomania for more than half of my life, and while I have gone over a month at a time without pulling, it has gotten particularly bad. So bad that I felt out of control with it again. I did not feel like I had the support I needed so I immediately texted my best friend, Rachel, and she gave me the support I needed. She said, "I support you. No questions. If you feel it’s a step to help you move forward then it’s

I am the heaviest weight I have ever been (not counting pregnancy) and I am also the happiest. I don't know if there is a correlation or not, and that doesn't matter; I am truly happy. For years I strived for the 'perfect' body and would do anything to get there, and yet when I would continue to lose weight I was never satisfied. I remember when I was in college and I was getting dinner from one of the restaurants in the campus center, the food service worker told me that I had beautiful eyes and he could tell that I have lived through a lot. What he probably saw was tired eyes, hollow, empty. The irony there was while I had been through a lot at that point in time, I was never truly living. Yes, my heart was beating but I wasn't truly alive. Now here I am, 15 years later, my eyes are beautiful, filled with joy, light and love. Today, I am very rarely hung up on what I eat, or what my body looks like, but rather I am putting my focus on my family and doing my part t