If I go crazy, then will you still call me Super(wo)man?


It's been quite a while since I have written anything and I can tell, being that my emotions have been all over the place. So much has happened in the past few months, I don't even know where to begin, so this may be a little scattered....bear with me and get out your violins 😑.

My coworker and friend passed away just over a month ago, but was in ICU for about a month until she passed away. I visited her most everyday and watched her improve, only to decline again. Moments shared with her were heartbreaking and we never got answers as to what actually happened. Did me making a call cause all of this? Would it have been better if I didn't interfere? Why am I always trying to be a hero? Having been there from the beginning of the end, I felt a lot of pain when myself, along with other colleagues, were jerked around by those making the arrangements for her celebration of life. Only to arrive the night of, what I thought was a half hour early, to walk into the memorial having already started...something that these 'friends' of my colleague failed to mention to me. I was hurt.

In the midst of all of this, I had a moment of empowerment followed by nearly two months of quiet, waiting to see if the patriarchy would prevail. In the end, apparently a woman's truth can matter.

I've bit off more than I can chew in many ways, and I recently stepped down from what I would call a dream opportunity because I couldn't handle the pressure. Since then, I've been beating myself up, considering myself a failure because I gave up. When really, my mental health has been struggling and I just can't handle anything else on my plate.

People ask for honesty; they want you to be real and the second you are, it blows up in your face. Don't sit there and ask me for my feelings on a situation if you can't handle the truth. It's taken me a long time to open up and feel confident in myself to speak up, not just behind my computer screen. 

Fucking COVID: enough said.

I thought that cutting off all of my hair would help me with my hair pulling, and while it has to an extent, I'm struggling and feel a lot of shame that it's not that simple. 

Here is a confession: I've been trying to numb myself to not feel. I know I've lost weight but no one is noticing. I'm screaming out but no one can hear me. I'm hiding and no one is trying to find me.

'You're always so happy!' someone said to me recently. Which is true to an extent, but mostly I'm a great actress. Everyone is hurting in their own way so if I an be the glitter and sunshine that they need I will be...but to my own detriment. I've lost myself these past few months and I am trying to remember how to feel again.

Take this how you will, a pity party, a cry for help, a vent session. Everybody hurts, everyone is tired, we all just need to be better to one another, a little kinder, a little gentler...we are doing the best we can to keep our shit together.



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