Piece by Piece

Well....2016 is almost over and all I have to say is, 'Good Riddance!'  I think most everyone will agree that we are happy to see 2016 go.  For some reason this past year has been a terrible one for many people.  Social media has erupted with meme's, gifs and videos all declaring that 2016, for lack of better words, sucked. With the conclusion of the year approaching, I like to take some time to reflect on the past year, and as I do so I realize that while it has not been the easiest year personally, I can honestly say that I have learned a lot. We truly never know what someone else is going through:   Often times we walk around with a smile on our face, when inwardly we are feeling low.  This happy exterior is often a shield to protect ourselves from being vulnerable to our emotions and to others.  I think that we as human beings are more alike that we are different.  We all have our 'stuff' to deal with in life; no one is excluded from the...

I wish I could explain the feeling I get when it happens.  I wish I could describe the exact moment it happens and what goes through my head.  Below is my best attempt. There are times, especially around the holidays, when we are presented with lots of parties, and lots of food and festivities.  For someone with an eating disorder it's extremely difficult to be in the same room at these events.  Last year I did my best to avoid them all together.  I was too busy to attend the party, or if I felt as though I had no choice in the matter, I would pull apart my food to make it appeared as though I had eaten.  This year, I stayed in the room.  The first party of the season.  I stayed, I grew anxious, I picked, not ate, I left, I cried.  I cried because I felt like a failure.  I cried because I let Ed win.  He got in my head and caused me to restrict.   For some reason I have not been able to find a happy medium at parties, ...

Everything, every place, every person has a label whether we like it or not.  Labels can be things such as, cheap, tacky, ugly, mean, quirky, smart, scary, dangerous etc.  Most any word can be used to describe a thing, place or person.  Labels are like adjectives; they are descriptive words.  Labels are everywhere.  Have you ever used a hashtag?  Yep that's a label.  Heck, on this blog I can add 'labels', or words, that best describe the blog post so it can reach it's intended or inspired audience.  That's life, we can sit there and preach how we are such a good person, but we are all using these 'labels' in some way, shape or form in our daily lives.   I have fallen victim many times to labeling people, locations etc.  and have been labeled by others. You can judge me all me want, call me all sorts of names, and yes it will bother me, but I will get over it...eventually.  One label, however, I have not separated myself from is a ...

Greetings world. I've struggled the past few days.  At a time when I felt like, 'Man, I got this.' I struggled, and I let myself down.  For once I am not worried about letting someone else down, and I'm sad because I let myself down.  When I let myself down, I beat myself up.  My eating disorder (Ed) becomes louder and encourages the thoughts of, 'I'm a disappointment', 'a failure,' 'I can't do this,' 'life is better with an eating disorder.'  It's when this voice becomes so loud I need to do my best to shut it out, negate what he's saying, strive to prove him wrong.   Yesterday was this kind of day.  I look around in moments of weakness and see the 'lucky ones'.  The ones that are thin,  the girls that don't eat much (just enough to say they did), the ones who choose coffee/caffeine over food to suppress the appetite, they are so much prettier than I am.   "And they tell you that you’re lucky. But ...

I just got out of a great session with my therapist and it has sparked a fire inside of me. One thing that I love about going to see my therapist is that I have an unbiased party to speak to and we never know where the conversation is going to go.  Today, we got a little off topic from my initial discussion, but it has opened my eyes.   I am in a place where I am starting to care less and less about what people think. However, I do still make a lot of decisions based on how others will perceive my decision....it's exhausting, and I'm getting sick of it.  Why should I let other people's perspectives and opinions change the way I live my life. There have been a few stories I recalled that I remember people, strangers and acquaintances, who have made snarky comments about me both to my face and behind my back.  To the comments that were made to my face about not valuing my opinion or being too 'nice'...you're ballsy, and also smart, because you knew I wouldn...

The past week I've been on an adventure with my best friend.  We started our journey at a wedding in Arizona, we hiked at Red Rocks in Sedona, saw Sunset Crater, and the Grand Canyon.  We then traveled to Utah where we hiked the Narrows, Emerald Pools and Observation Point at Zion.  From there we made our way to Las Vegas for a relaxing time and the Britney Spears concert.  It sure was an incredible adventure and one that was truly eye opening. This adventure was a truly strenuous one, with so much hiking requiring great endurance.  I am so incredibly proud of myself for being able to do such hard/rewarding work.  As we were on the trails, I often reminded myself of how far I've come on my recovery journey.  I honestly do not think that I would have been able to do so much with as much strength as I had if this was a year ago.  My weight gain in treatment was difficult at first, however, I've been working hard at the gym to build my muscles and ...

There you were just sitting there.  Staring at me.  Calling my name, enticing me.  'Shut up, I can't', I say.   But you were insistent, 'It'll be fine.  You will go to the gym and you'll feel better about it.'   'No, I can't. I want to, but I'm scared, and going to the gym will not help.  Trust me I WANT to, but he won't let me.' What you just read is a conversation that I have in my head.  I used to have this conversation hourly, then daily, but now it's only every so often.  And the subject of the conversation does vary, today it was with a cookie.  A glorious sugar cookie with frosting and sprinkles was my enemy today.  I hated every second.  All I wanted was to eat that freaking cookie, and I didn't...why? because my eating disorder was shouting loud today telling me I couldn't, and I obeyed.   What's the worse that would have happened?  I would have felt guilty for a while, but I would have enjoyed every...