Piece by Piece

I feel as though I have been strong for so long.  I feel as though I've made huge progress in my recovery so far.  I feel as though I am falling down. Something I've always done is put on a smile and portrayed a happy carefree woman.  The truth is for much of my life that was a mask to hide what was really going on, the anxiety, the depression, the feelings of not being good enough, the eating disorder.  Only until the past few months I've taken off that mask and have been true to who I am as a person, not fearing what others will think of me and living as openly and honestly as I can.   I've been so strong, it was only a matter of time before I would start to fall. Yesterday I began to fall.  I restricted.  I called myself a loser.  I completely broke down on the couch. I had a 'why me, why us?' moment.  That feeling carried on into today.  I feel sad and broken.  I'm a walking zombie.  As I write this I realize I have t...

A wise man once said, 'I am what I am, and that's all that I am'.  Yes, by wise man I mean a fictional character who dined on spinach while chewing on a pipe.  Maybe not the most authoritative visionary, but that quote is simple and filled with insight. I have mentioned in my previous posts that being in recovery I have begun to peel some of my layers back and am getting to know myself more and more each day.  Although, I am starting to know myself, I have been surrounded by friends and loved ones that have known who I am for a long while.  I especially want to focus on my friends...let's be honest here, more often than not our family will be there for us because we are just that, family.  Friends, however, can leave if they choose to. I have been extremely blessed to have a lot of friends in my life with whom I know I can confide in anywhere, anytime, any place.  The group of people that I call friends aren't my friends because of anything artificial, ...

While I was in treatment I started making an altered book.  I didn't know what it was until going to treatment, so I will explain it here.  To create an altered book you take a book already in existence and you 'alter' it's form.  You can use magazine clippings, actual photos, and create your own artwork on the pages etc. You are doing what the name suggests, and altering the book from it's original form to a different form and adding your own unique meaning to it as well.   I know...before you go on, you may be thinking, 'What kind of librarian would do such a horrid thing to a book?!'...my answer...ONE BAD ASS LIBRARIAN! Two of the pages in my book I used to create a poem using the method referred to as blackout poetry. To create a blackout poem you find words on the page(s) you are using that have significance to you, or that inspire you....you then take a sharpie marker and blackout the other words on the page so you are left with only those that are...

I recently came across an article that has inspired this blog post. Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) is defined by the Anxiety and Depression Association of Americas as, "BDD is a body-image disorder characterized by persistent and intrusive preoccupations with an imagined or slight defect in one's appearance." This does not refer to the fact that most of us have one thing we would like to change about our appearance.  For instance I've always wanted breast implants, because I am unsatisfied and self conscious with the rack I've got.  Some other people may want a nose job or a face lift or something else.  Having BDD is being so preoccupied with one 'flaw' that emotional distress occurs.  Folks that suffer with BDD do not see parts of their body accurately.  I thought that maybe I suffered from Body Dysmorphia, but wasn't sure.  My future therapist in treatment declared that I did in fact suffer from BDD.   For me, regardless of my weight I see my...

Jumping out of a plane with a complete stranger on my back.   Going bungee jumping.   Convincing my family to go on crazy thrill rides with me.   No fear of anything ever happening to me.   I was invincible.   Had someone asked me what being fearless meant years ago, even months ago, this most likely would have been my response.   That is until that January morning I sat on my couch and cried.  I wasn’t invincible at all.  I was slowly killing myself, and suddenly, that girl who was so ‘fearless’ was now fearing for her life.  After two months of treatment I realized that being fearless isn’t about any of the above stated items.  Being fearless means waking up every day and living life.  Every time that I choose to eat a meal or a snack that aligns with my meal plan.  Challenging myself and eating ice cream because I want to.  Realizing that even though I relapsed months into recovery, I had the choice to get ...