Piece by Piece

There you were just sitting there.  Staring at me.  Calling my name, enticing me.  'Shut up, I can't', I say.   But you were insistent, 'It'll be fine.  You will go to the gym and you'll feel better about it.'   'No, I can't. I want to, but I'm scared, and going to the gym will not help.  Trust me I WANT to, but he won't let me.' What you just read is a conversation that I have in my head.  I used to have this conversation hourly, then daily, but now it's only every so often.  And the subject of the conversation does vary, today it was with a cookie.  A glorious sugar cookie with frosting and sprinkles was my enemy today.  I hated every second.  All I wanted was to eat that freaking cookie, and I didn't...why? because my eating disorder was shouting loud today telling me I couldn't, and I obeyed.   What's the worse that would have happened?  I would have felt guilty for a while, but I would have enjoyed every...

I've been struggling a lot lately. I've been going in a downward spiral for a few weeks, and have definitely recognized a difference in my body and mindset.  I've taken one 'bad' thing and turned everything into one big bowl of negativity.  Being aware of my transgressions in my recovery I was eager to get to my therapy session.  It's so much easier venting and talking openly with an unbiased 3rd party.  It's a judgement free environment in which I can spill my guts and receive some awesome advice...I love my LCSW.  I always leave each session feeling great about life, feeling inner strength and feel ready to take on the world.   I was very emotional and my session yesterday because I haven't been expressing my struggles or stress with anyone, that it all exploded.  [Note to self, don't bottle up, open up] I often speak poorly of myself.  I find everything wrong with me, never feel like I am good enough, never believe I deserve anything good,...

I recently read, Rising Strong: The Reckoning, the Rumble, the Revolution  by Brene` Brown, and it's a book I highly recommend.  Brown touches on the idea of being vulnerable, as she has in her previous work Daring Greatly , but in Rising Strong  she shows us the steps to take in order to acknowledge our struggles/disappointments, and how to rise up from them.  Often times we have a difficult time acknowledging our shortcomings, and I am guilty, as I know many others to be, of not admitting when we are wrong.  Brown's research discussed in the book provide the reader with three steps, the reckoning, rumble and revolution.  I will not give a full book review and synopsis here, but rather discuss one quote from the book and how it relates to myself, and I hope you as well. "We don't have to do it all of it alone.  We were never meant to." In sum, we should ask for help from others when we need it.  Growing up, I remember being told by my family ...

My heart began to race as my mind was flooding with images of the past.  There I was, another sleepless night, wide awake, reflecting on some memories.  The setting this time was the apartment we lived in our senior year of college.  I thought, that was eight years ago...where did the time go.  At that moment, my anxiety began to surface.  This particular memory led me to think about how quickly time goes by and about how precious our time here on earth is.  We truly do not know when our life is going to end.  We do not know where we will end up, we just walk out on faith and hope for the best.  I also developed feelings of guilt; I've made such great memories over the course of my life, and for 1/3 of my life I let my negative feelings dictate my time here. I've been surrounded by tragedy in the last few months, both personally, affecting people I love and mentally, by the media.  There are so many horrible things that are occurring in t...